defeating impostor syndrome: one cake at a time

today is such a lovely day. i’m currently hanging out at my favorite coffee shop, in my favorite city and enjoying some much-needed me time. last night, caroline and I went to see rupi kaur. this was my first time attending a live poetry reading and I didn’t really know what to expect. the venue was filled with so much feminine power and magic— it felt electrifying. it was one of the best experiences of my life, filled with laughter, pride and of course, lots of tears.

leaving the venue, I felt so empowered and rejuvenated. I thought a lot about where I’m at in life and how much progress I’ve made in this last year alone— especially in finding myself and learning how to find self-worth and excitement within myself.

have you ever heard of impostor syndrome?

if not, it's a concept that describes individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud" and it's characterized by feelings of anxiety, depression and major self-doubt.

feeling like an impostor feels like I'm constantly running away from something or someone that will "expose" me. some days, it's nearly impossible to acknowledge my accomplishments in life because of this nagging feeling telling me they are completely invalid, or that I haven't truly worked hard enough to get where I am today.

it's exhausting.

it's so easy to say to someone who feels like an impostor, "don't be so hard on yourself, be proud of your achievements!" in my mind, though, recognizing my achievements would be a form of bragging, and I don't brag about myself.

until right now.

when I was younger, my parents let me stay at home alone during summer break while my sister went to daycare. A typical day at home included: sleeping in, watching MTV music videos, a bajillion hours of the Sims and baking or cooking when I got tired of my Sims.

the first person to teach me how to bake was my grandma. I remember baking really simple cakes with a little flour, some eggs and sugar and being completely mesmerized by my creations. I would experiment with different amounts of flour, sugar, and eggs and watched with pride as my tiny little cakes rose to perfection. I also grew up watching my mom dominate in the kitchen and worked to recreate some of her best recipes on my own during those long summer afternoons.

as I grew older, baking and cooking became creative outlets for me. I enjoyed learning new techniques, learning how to feed myself on a budget and experimenting with new ingredients.

fast forward to today: when I bake or cook, I feel whole. when I mess up, I get pissed and sad, but I also feel determined to fix my mistakes and try again. when I conquer a recipe, I feel unstoppable and confident. I no longer feel like a fraud-- I feel like my true self.

in a world that feels so overwhelming and over-saturated, it’s easy to get lost in the noise and think, “why bother? thousands of people are already doing this.”

last year, I read a post on Instagram that still resonates with me to this day:

"If what you’re doing is coming from a place of honesty and as a service to others, abundance will most definitely come your way. You will find your people and your supporters, I promise. There is enough for everyone in the creative world to experience success and fulfillment."

whether or not I choose to become a professional in this area is a decision that i’m still working through. for now, I feel so much pride and joy knowing that the cakes I give to others are create with care, precision, patience and a whole lot of love and that they are good. so, i’m gonna keep doing what makes me feel awesome. *insert sunglasses emoji dudette here & start playing “feelin’ myself” by beyonce*

happy baking, friends!